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This story was posted over two years ago. You can find the original here. It was “originally originally” a reply to a writing prompt which can be found here. I have decided not to correct any of the typos since this is more of a reflection post than anything else (Except the last line, I couldn’t help it), but let me know if you all would rather me clean up the old stories completely before posting them here.
This story is currently my most famous writing post on Reddit, and that’s pretty funny to me. Overall I think it’s rather weak as far as quality goes, but everyone really seemed to enjoy it at the time. When I was writing the story I remember trying rather hard to create a sort of fun and quirky character, and on that note I think I did good — or at least better than usual.
Trying to dissect its success, I’d suspect it’s more related to it being an interesting topic more than anything else. “The Book of Nuclear Magics” is quite the title, and I think that attracted a lot of attention. Following that, Reddit has always loved funny stories, and this one did have some quick little quips that I still take some pride in, even if they’re dumb to their core.
It would be a fun topic to revisit for another story, maybe a redux, which I’ve been considering for some stories for a while now. A lot can be done with the ideas made up here. That being said, I hope you all enjoyed my little digression about one of my older stories. As always, thank you.
“You wouldn’t catch me dead doing necromancy.”
The all droned on with their dronings. It was idle talk for idle men and women whose mindsets were so stuck in mud that they’re practically petrified.
“Please. We all know the raw power that comes from harnessing the lightning bolt is best!” The blue robed mage stood up and performed what I’m sure he thought was an impressive parlor trick of prickly lightning.
This was always how the annual Council of Greats went. Wizards, mages, and bumbling buffoons with bear-sized books all took to the mountain peak chambers like ants. Words of empty meaning and posturing so intense that it could freeze a drake was all that ever happened. That is until this year — I have finally finished my opus!
They hate me. I hate them. It works. I usually avoid my pompous brothers and sisters who claim to seek glory and wisdom. It’s a lie, we all know that everyone of us seeks power. I was the only one smart enough to chase exactly that — Power!
I entered with my usual eccentric look. My hair was a patchy white mess which I refused to cut by sheer principle of the razor-sharp sheering industry being immoral. (It’s a plague on the working pleb and must be stopped). All the other mages insisted on their ridiculously colored and decorated robes. My simple white robe infuriated them, especially considering it was smeared with all smatterings of smoldering holes and singed sides.
“Lords above.” Shouted one of the many fire mages when they caught sight of me entering. “Who let the drunk ogre in?”
“When in your company I wish such simple remedies would do the trick — alas it seems you all force me into the companionship of BlisterRock.” Everyone sneered at the comment but it was true, I was higher than the highest giants head on a the highest of hill-tops… and then some.
“Borh,” It was the most pompous of pompous people. Sir Angel the Divine, strongest and most accomplished mage in all the lands, the only mage honored enough to wear the color gold, the advisor to five kingdoms, the presider of the event, the asshole. “Why are y–“
I held up my hand to silence the dimwit. “My name has changed since my last appearance.”
A sigh of exhaustion rippled through the chambers — they should really try BlisterRock, it doesn’t allow such animal limitations to persist. “My name from this day forth is… Atom!”
“…Atom?”
“Yes that’s what I said.”
“Um. Okay, Atom I’m going to ask again why yo–“
“Do you even know what an atom is? Do any of you bat-headed baboons know the basics of what I’m babbling about? Have any of you read the letters I’ve been sending back about my work!?” They all looked at me with tired eyes. “Am I the only one doing real research and work in this whole damn place!? I mean come on, I knew you all were dafter than damp driftwood but this is just deplorable!”
“Atom,” Angel said without acknowledging my wonderful speech. “Please. We have a very important council to hold, if–“
“Important! Bah all you all ever do is posture your prett–“
“Atom!” The bastard cut me off! How rude. “Please! Make your point and leave.”
I huffed in anger but moved on. “Well, since you all are ignorant to the truth, let me give you all the rundown.” I slammed my heavy tome on the center table. “This! This is the Atominomicon. The Book of Nuclear Magics. All other schools of Arcanum are simply combinations of trivial physical and magical processes, or to put it in words you all understand, they are dreadfully useless and mostly childsplay.”
A small roar of utter nonsense arose from the crowd of wizards. “Shut up!” I screeched, still thumping like a thundercat from my BlisterRock glow up. “Listen! Nuclear magics tap into the real power of the universe. It is capable of such acts of destruction and creation that I’ve never even got remotely close to its true potential… I honestly can’t say for sure that it has one.”
“This is nonsense!” Peeped up one peckerhead from the peanut gallery.
“You’re nonsense!”
“Please,” Angel gave put up a calming hand to the peckerhead. “Atom I must agree. We’ve known the power limitations of the other arcane arts for centuries, to claim a new one has been discovered, something that hasn’t happened in three entire ages, and that’s its limitless. It is indeed nonsense.”
I knew the princess would be jealous and try to deny it, that’s why I had a back-up plan. “Follow me,” I said while trying to sniff hard enough to pull out some of residual dust of BlisterRock that was left in my nose. “I’m going to blow your fucking mind.”
“Atom le–“
“Follow you nunces!”
“…nunce?“
I didn’t feel like telling them I was dabbling in trying to create new words as well. That’s for a whole other council on a whole other mountain top. We left the safety of the chambers and wadded outside into the snow of the mountain peak. Angel yelled from above the sound of howling wind. “What are you about to do?”
“Blow up a mountain!”
“…You didn’t just say a mou–“
It was too late. I felt the tiny pellets of raw energy fill into my veins and buzz with infinity. Everyone was ignorant to what real power was… This, the power of the atom, this was real power. The power of the suns, the power that makes the universe tick and what makes the world churn. It’s all around us, limitless and asking to be used, so I was going to do more than just use it. I was the Atom! I am the Atom!
With the simple push of my hand I shattered a distant mountain into pure dust. An explosion mimicking the sun arose and burned our skin with its wonderful, world-erasing radiance. A plume of gorgeous block smoke rose and rolled with the riptides of the earth’s currents, foretelling of a shockwave so fantastic that when it reached our mountain peak it shaved off all of its snow like a child blowing on a dandelion.
I’m sure my compatriots were screaming in horror and fear, but I was too obsessed. As I watched the immortal mushroom of fire rise and reflect off of my mere mortal pupils, I was consumed by a laughter so maniac and cackling that it even surprised me, and I’m a rather fucked up fella.
The only words I could hear came from Angel, on the ground and covered in shock and dust. It was words that were like liquid honey to me. “Atom… What have you done?”
“I am become death, destroyer of worlds!“